There's certain stock lines that, you know, like heckler lines, you know, like, where did you learn to whisper, a helicopter, you know? Nobody owns those. I mean, someone first wrote it but it's been so universally used that it's common and it's called stock.

Ralphie May

We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.

Ralphie May

I've had people hate me for my appearance. I think it gets me a certain level of empathy with the audience. If I was white and handsome and privileged, I probably couldn't talk about what I talk about because people wouldn't believe that I have empathy or I could be evenhanded and objective. It's strange.

Ralphie May

In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A.

Ralphie May

I've had allergies since I was a kid.

Ralphie May

I'm not your usual cup of tea.

Ralphie May

The people I make fun of most are white people. They're the dumbest ones. They really are.

Ralphie May

California is prejudiced about fat people.

Ralphie May

I've got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

Ralphie May

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.

Ralphie May

I'm too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.

Ralphie May

Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta love the audience I bring in.

Ralphie May

I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.

Ralphie May

I love what I do. I do what I love. I'm honest about it!

Ralphie May

If I can make you laugh and learn, I want to be like George Carlin and Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinison and Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle. I want to be of that ilk, I don't want to just make you laugh, I want to make you think.

Ralphie May

I know a way for no Americans to die in Iraq: Leave.

Ralphie May

I'm so Southern that I'm related to myself. I'm actually my own cousin.

Ralphie May

I live in a dangerous part of Los Angeles. It's called... Los Angeles.

Ralphie May

When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.

Ralphie May

If we were all sitting around as different races and as different religions, if you were a real friend of these people, you would bust on them all.

Ralphie May

I don't just live in a bubble in Los Angeles. I'm on the road all the time. I say hello to people everywhere. That way, you get to see what despair is around the holidays. People are making terrible choices: Do I have heat in the winter or food on the table? Decisions between filling the gas tank or buying a gift for a kid.

Ralphie May