We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.
Ralphie May
I've had people hate me for my appearance. I think it gets me a certain level of empathy with the audience. If I was white and handsome and privileged, I probably couldn't talk about what I talk about because people wouldn't believe that I have empathy or I could be evenhanded and objective. It's strange.
In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A.
I've had allergies since I was a kid.
I'm not your usual cup of tea.
The people I make fun of most are white people. They're the dumbest ones. They really are.
California is prejudiced about fat people.
I've got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
I'm too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.
Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta love the audience I bring in.
I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.
I love what I do. I do what I love. I'm honest about it!
If I can make you laugh and learn, I want to be like George Carlin and Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinison and Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle. I want to be of that ilk, I don't want to just make you laugh, I want to make you think.
I know a way for no Americans to die in Iraq: Leave.
I'm so Southern that I'm related to myself. I'm actually my own cousin.
I live in a dangerous part of Los Angeles. It's called... Los Angeles.
When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.
If we were all sitting around as different races and as different religions, if you were a real friend of these people, you would bust on them all.
I don't just live in a bubble in Los Angeles. I'm on the road all the time. I say hello to people everywhere. That way, you get to see what despair is around the holidays. People are making terrible choices: Do I have heat in the winter or food on the table? Decisions between filling the gas tank or buying a gift for a kid.
People have been calling me names and setting me back my whole life. And with every fight it's just given me more fuel to my fire and in doing so I've become a success.
If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.
I want to raise awareness about evils perpetuated on American citizens by other American citizens.
I'm a fan of old vaudeville theaters.
There's a big difference between being racist and racially insensitive.
I grew up in a little town in Arkansas called Clarksville and it was a weird existence, you know? I grew up white trash; we had holes in our walls.
My audience has accepted me for a long time as, you know, not a fat comedian but a comedian who happens to be fat. That's a huge difference.
Atlanta is interesting. You have high education rates but there are plenty of regular folks. People have degrees but chop wood on weekends.
I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.
There's certain stock lines that, you know, like heckler lines, you know, like, where did you learn to whisper, a helicopter, you know? Nobody owns those. I mean, someone first wrote it but it's been so universally used that it's common and it's called stock.
The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife has been madder at me because cell phone coverage dropped and she thought I hung up on her.
I'm dirty, I'm irreverent - but I'm still a very topical comedian.
My name is Ralphie. How many Ralphie's do you know? It's unique.
Most comics can't produce the amount of material I produce.
I do like two hours of new material every year.
My wife is my teammate. She's my best friend. I love her.
I'd like to be a U.S. senator from Tennessee.
I'm not crooked, and I want to help people.
I'm too Southern.
I got kids now... It gives you an empathetic feeling into other cultures and stuff.
I don't need the fame or power.
I'm honest, at the end of the day - I'm obese, but I'm not obtuse.
There's no getting around it - I am a politically incorrect, racially insensitive, culturally controversial comic, but at least I'm self-aware.
I think it's funny when stereotypes happen.
Michigan... it's a great state... somewhere.
I've got a lot of charisma, plus women are forgiving and they can be charmed.
The day you don't mess with somebody, that would be exclusive rather than inclusive. I strive to be inclusive.
My children are terrific babies.
I'm a crazy fat guy. And a strange one.
I'm even handed. I just point out the stupidity we all do.
