I don't just live in a bubble in Los Angeles. I'm on the road all the time. I say hello to people everywhere. That way, you get to see what despair is around the holidays. People are making terrible choices: Do I have heat in the winter or food on the table? Decisions between filling the gas tank or buying a gift for a kid.

Ralphie May

We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.

I've had people hate me for my appearance. I think it gets me a certain level of empathy with the audience. If I was white and handsome and privileged, I probably couldn't talk about what I talk about because people wouldn't believe that I have empathy or I could be evenhanded and objective. It's strange.

Ralphie May

Would Wit White

In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A.

Ralphie May

Yeah Who Us

I've had allergies since I was a kid.

Ralphie May

Since Sin Kid

I'm not your usual cup of tea.

Ralphie May

Your You Usual

The people I make fun of most are white people. They're the dumbest ones. They really are.

Ralphie May

White UN T

California is prejudiced about fat people.

Ralphie May

T Prejudiced Prejudice

I've got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.

Ralphie May

T Peel Other

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.

Ralphie May

Relationship You T

I'm too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.

Ralphie May

UN Too T

Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta love the audience I bring in.

Ralphie May

Love Funny You

I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.

Ralphie May

Time Won Wall

I love what I do. I do what I love. I'm honest about it!

Ralphie May

Love T Out

If I can make you laugh and learn, I want to be like George Carlin and Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinison and Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle. I want to be of that ilk, I don't want to just make you laugh, I want to make you think.

Ralphie May

Car You Want

I know a way for no Americans to die in Iraq: Leave.

Ralphie May

Way T Rican

I'm so Southern that I'm related to myself. I'm actually my own cousin.

Ralphie May

Us Ted T

I live in a dangerous part of Los Angeles. It's called... Los Angeles.

Ralphie May

Art Anger Us

When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.

Ralphie May

Want Use Us

If we were all sitting around as different races and as different religions, if you were a real friend of these people, you would bust on them all.

Ralphie May

Religion You Would

I don't just live in a bubble in Los Angeles. I'm on the road all the time. I say hello to people everywhere. That way, you get to see what despair is around the holidays. People are making terrible choices: Do I have heat in the winter or food on the table? Decisions between filling the gas tank or buying a gift for a kid.

Ralphie May

Time Food You

People have been calling me names and setting me back my whole life. And with every fight it's just given me more fuel to my fire and in doing so I've become a success.

Ralphie May

If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.

Ralphie May

I want to raise awareness about evils perpetuated on American citizens by other American citizens.

Ralphie May

I'm a fan of old vaudeville theaters.

Ralphie May

There's a big difference between being racist and racially insensitive.

Ralphie May

I grew up in a little town in Arkansas called Clarksville and it was a weird existence, you know? I grew up white trash; we had holes in our walls.

Ralphie May

My audience has accepted me for a long time as, you know, not a fat comedian but a comedian who happens to be fat. That's a huge difference.

Ralphie May

Atlanta is interesting. You have high education rates but there are plenty of regular folks. People have degrees but chop wood on weekends.

Ralphie May

I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.

Ralphie May

There's certain stock lines that, you know, like heckler lines, you know, like, where did you learn to whisper, a helicopter, you know? Nobody owns those. I mean, someone first wrote it but it's been so universally used that it's common and it's called stock.

Ralphie May

The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife has been madder at me because cell phone coverage dropped and she thought I hung up on her.

Ralphie May