I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.
Tom Segura
I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'
If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.
It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.
I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.
I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'
You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you've driven, and then you're like, 'Oh, I was doing something for 20 years that I didn't realize I hadn't experienced the real version of.'
I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock's 'Bring the Pain' came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park.
Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don't do it.
When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.'
Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.
I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.
I've never been a big party guy or super social.
I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.
Vancouver just feels comfortable to me.
I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.
I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.
I wasn't the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.
I think I'm a decent person.
I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.
I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more.
I don't switch my act up to win over the crowd. I'm more like, 'You came here... this is what I do.' I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.
A lot of times, you land in a city, and you're like, 'This is not my people.' I'm gonna do the show, but you don't feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you're like, 'This feels right.'
I'm really happy when I'm actively creating things. When I'm frustrated and not excited, it's because I haven't written anything in a month or so.
People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'
I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.
Every person learns with time and experience.
It's fun when you've opened for someone at a venue, and then years go by, and now you're headlining.
When you shoot a special, you have no idea what's going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the first one with Comedy Dynamics was a roll of the dice. It was a game changer for me professionally.
I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.
I'll never be a TV writer.
You should make travel as comfortable as possible.
Sleep is important for a comic - like it is for a lot of people.
When you're a comic doing a special, it's like you're directing your first movie.
Here's some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don't take it on national TV.
I'm not the nicest guy on stage.
The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.
Ninety percent of my material is made on stage, but I feel like you're missing something by abandoning sitting down to write entirely.
I know there are a lot of comics that put their kids all over social media, but I think it's weird. There are over 100,000 people following you. To me, it feels like you should probably tone that down.
