I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'

Tom Segura

I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.

Tom Segura

I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'

Tom Segura

If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.

Tom Segura

It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.

Tom Segura

I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.

Tom Segura

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'

Tom Segura

You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you've driven, and then you're like, 'Oh, I was doing something for 20 years that I didn't realize I hadn't experienced the real version of.'

Tom Segura

I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock's 'Bring the Pain' came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park.

Tom Segura

Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don't do it.

Tom Segura

When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.'

Tom Segura

Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.

Tom Segura

I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.

Tom Segura

I've never been a big party guy or super social.

Tom Segura

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.

Tom Segura

Vancouver just feels comfortable to me.

Tom Segura

I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

Tom Segura

I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.

Tom Segura

I wasn't the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.

Tom Segura

I think I'm a decent person.

Tom Segura

I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.

Tom Segura