They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Tommy Cooper

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Tommy Cooper

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Tommy Cooper

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Tommy Cooper

The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.

Tommy Cooper

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

Tommy Cooper

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tommy Cooper

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

Tommy Cooper

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Tommy Cooper

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Tommy Cooper

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

Tommy Cooper

I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!

Tommy Cooper

Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?

Tommy Cooper

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

Tommy Cooper