What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
What a nice night for an evening.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
