We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating.

Spike Milligan

War Teen Car

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Spike Milligan

Money Chance T

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

Money Happiness You

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

UN T Profound

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Spike Milligan

Yin Want Us

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

Funny UN Tree

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Spike Milligan

Funny T Long

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

Spike Milligan

Money You T

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Spike Milligan

God Would Wait

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Spike Milligan

Marriage Age Want

It's all in the mind, you know.

Spike Milligan

You T Now

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Spike Milligan

Funny T Speak

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

Spike Milligan

Years Year Wooden

May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots.

Spike Milligan

Where T Spine

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Spike Milligan

Work Worn Working

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Spike Milligan

Teen Health Year

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Spike Milligan

Very Used Use

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Spike Milligan

War Wit T

I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state.

Spike Milligan

You Wit Which

We reach a secondary road and - here comes the bonus - we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines of soldiers' washing. At last they had been put to practical use. If only the ancient Greeks had known.

Spike Milligan

Washing Wash Use

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

Spike Milligan

Way Treat T

I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure.

Spike Milligan

The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it.

Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Spike Milligan

When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry.

Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

Spike Milligan

The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over.

Spike Milligan

I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.'

Spike Milligan

My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well.

Spike Milligan

Things began to improve when I went to Rangoon. To begin with, my father was promoted, which meant he was at home more. The matriarchal society was ended, and for the first time, I went to a boys' school.

Spike Milligan

Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently.

Spike Milligan

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating.

Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Spike Milligan

My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings.

Spike Milligan

My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India.

Spike Milligan

It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school.

Spike Milligan

The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.'

Spike Milligan

You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals.

Spike Milligan

I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships.

Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Spike Milligan

Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her.

Spike Milligan

One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.

Spike Milligan

As I kept having episodes of depression, I realized that it was not a one-off: that I had, well, not a disease, really - more an illness.

Spike Milligan

Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.

Spike Milligan

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like!

Spike Milligan

I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence.

Spike Milligan