I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
