Wine is crying juice. Rum is worse.
Retta
Handbags, dude. It's all about the handbags. I have quite a few purses that I spend a good deal of money on - that's my jam.
I started once a week in North Carolina at a pub called Charlie Goodnight and met a lot of comics there. Then I moved to L.A., and if you're not known, it's hard to get stage time. So you start out doing what they call 'bringers' - you have to bring five people if you wanna get on stage. It was a lot of hustle, a learning curve.
All the people I looked up to - Roseanne, Tim Allen, and Jerry Seinfeld - were stand-up comedians who used humor to get TV shows. I'm on TV now, and I'm working towards getting my own show.
'Glee' is very easy to clown because I feel like it's just crumbling. 'Smash!' 'Smash' is the ultimate. I love it because I'm all about theater. I did plays in high school and college, and it totally brings me back to that feeling: how excited you get on opening night, how it sucks when you're not learning the dance moves.
If someone annoys you on Twitter, and they only have three friends, retweet it, then block them.
'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' - I had a lot of friends who told me to watch it. And I was like, 'I'm not buying seven seasons of a frickin' show.' It got to the point where, 'Seriously, you have to watch it.' Buffy is not my favorite, but it's amusing.
For Christmas I do gift bags for my friends and the cast, and I put 'treat yo self' key chains in there. And people send me pictures of 'treat yo self' all the time.
I moved here in 1997. It's 20 years later, and I finally feel like I'm in this business. I feel like I could call my manager if I wanted to set up a meeting to pitch something and actually get it done, based on my history and the work I've done. I can't say that I felt that way five years ago.
My obsession is TV and movies, so I order an obscene amount of DVDs. And I have an obsession with handbags. So once a year, I treat myself to a luxury handbag.
The first time I went to the Emmys was amazing. I had someone make me a dress - like, made for me.
When I started, it was all meter maids or the sassy nurse, or the sassy receptionist in the hospital. And I felt like: Are those the only jobs that large, black women have?
I started when Chris Rock did 'Bigger & Blacker.' I used to watch that before I went onstage as inspiration to get hype, but I noticed I started taking on his cadence and talking like him. I was also doing the New York-style comedy thing, which was angry and annoyed. I was creating a persona instead of trying to embrace my own.
I didn't have an agent before 'Parks,' and once you're on a show, they're not going to make money off of you. So if you've already booked something without an agent, unless they really want to hustle during the downtime, there's seven months when they're not going to make money off of you.
If this acting thing doesn't work out, maybe I could be a blogger.
I met Robert Redford at the Golden Globes because he stepped on my foot. He stepped on my foot as he was walking by, and he was like, 'Oh, I'm so sorry!' And I was like, 'It's all right. Robert Redford can step on my foot.'
When it comes to social media tea, I recommend that you take it offline. Keep your comments at Happy Hour.
I was doing chemistry in Research Triangle Park in North Carolina. It was the first time I'd lived alone, and I had an epiphany while I was spending a lot of time watching TV and decided I wanted try acting.
It is with a heavy heart that I learn of Joe Manganiello, a.k.a. my wolfy Twitter boo, is seeing one Ms. Sofia Vergara.
The Kings made me a jersey that said 'Treat yo' self' on the back.
I only watched 'The Vampire Diaries' because my friends who loves vampires was like, 'Just watch it.' I was like, 'No, I don't want to watch 'Gossip Girls' with teeth.'
I have this game with my friends: When we go out, if 'Treat yo' self' is tagged within the last six minutes on Twitter, they buy lunch. If not, I buy. They always buy.
I want to do acting as much as I can. When you're on contract with a show, you can't really do other shows. It's hard to do film. I haven't had the opportunity to even audition much for films because I don't have an agent.
I love a sexy caper show, and I love shows about con artists.
I like 'Vampire Diaries' because it has great stories.
I've actually taken meetings about hosting a late-night talk show. I don't know that what we know as a late-night talk show is what I want. But I've been talked into a talk show, but it would be different.
I remember doing stand-up at an open mic a long time ago, and the MC was like, 'Who's next?' I said, 'Marietta Sirleaf,' and he was like, 'What?' And I was like, 'Ugh, okay, just Retta.' It stuck with me ever since.
I think anybody who works with Malcolm, the first thing they go, 'Holy cow! I'm working with Theo!' because that was part of my childhood.
The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'
When I first started tweeting, I was just doing it because I was watching 'Breaking Bad' in my trailer and I was so scared by the assassinating cousins. And when people started responding to me, I realized it was like I wasn't watching it alone.
When it comes to this business and becoming a comedy superstar, I've never really thought about things holding me back. I think about what to do to go the next place. Comedy now isn't the only thing for me.
I know that meeting a black woman with a love for hockey is a bit like stumbling upon a unicorn in the woods... or a unicorn anywhere. I'm sure it'd be just as surreal finding a unicorn in downtown Chicago. But here I am.
I would often get called in to play a very loud, obnoxious - which, truth be told, I can be loud and obnoxious. My issue was when it was like a ghetto girl; I didn't think I was good at it; I didn't feel authentic. And so I had insecurities about going in on it.
I was always silly in high school. I used to always get in trouble because I was laughing. I've always thought I was funny but never thought I could use it to make money. In 1996, I decided I was going to use my humor to get on TV to make money.
If you follow me on social media, you may know that I am an L.A. Kings fan. I'm not kuh-ray-zee, but I am definitely enthusiastic. I love me some Kaaannnngggsss.
The only time I don't get nervous is if I'm doing a home club in L.A. and I know all of my friends there because then I play to my friends. When I first started doing comedy, I hated it when my friends came; it made me more nervous. Now I just try to make them laugh.
I do a bit called, 'You go, girl!' where I say, 'Don't tell me 'You go, girl!' I get it. I don't need you encourage me.' And nine times out of 10 after I finish the bit, some guy in the back will yell 'You go, girl!' I get a lot of that or 'I hear ya!' I don't generally - knock on fake wood - get mean heckling.
Twitter makes me feel like I have friends all over.
When I was younger, I was an avid science girl. I was all about, 'I'm going to be a doctor.' Even when I graduated, I was like, 'I'm going to be a doctor.' Even though I did acting and I was in plays and drama clubs in high school and college, I still didn't think I was going to take it on as a career.
I prefer to tell stories. If it's funny, then I want to do it on stage.
A lot of comics fly by the seat of their pants, and they pride themselves on being witty, quick, and off-the-cuff. That's not my show. I wrote a show, and I want to do the show I wrote. I'm not interested in what the audience has to say.
If someone annoys you on Twitter, check their feed first: you need to know if they're crazy.
If your social media addiction comes between your relationship, you might want to quit.
Growing up in Jersey makes you a little bit ballsier, a little more outspoken.
Once the writers got to know the actors, they would include certain things - personality-wise - for the characters because they knew you liked that sort of thing.
I love a lot of television and live-tweet a lot of TV.
I'm a big girl, so I want somebody that's going to make me look a little bit smaller.
Funny enough, I don't like vampires.
I have anxiety when I'm watching TV.
