I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.
Michael McIntyre
One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's a bullying laugh.
Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.
Hard audiences tend to be when it's all men. It's when businesses have dos where they're at conferences all day then book a comedian for the evening. They're men of a certain age - basically middle-aged, balding, 50 to 60 years old and I just know I can't make these people laugh hysterically.
Now I almost overly embrace how weird I am, how I look and how oddly camp I am. It's almost too honest for me because I harboured ambitions to be quite a cool, good-looking guy.
A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.
There's nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There's nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I've waited my whole life to hear that. You come away with the biggest high of your life.
I had some terrible times - comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn't liked by a lot of my fellow comics and I used to blame other people for me not getting a break. But now I realise I just wasn't very good. And as soon as I became good, things took off pretty quickly.
Ruthlessness is not something that comes easily.
Men need to be with women otherwise I don't think they really know how to behave. They'll just stare at me and it's awkward, so I scramble around in my mind to say the rudest things I can think of just to get something out of them.
I've got some Jewish ancestry and I don't like waste.
I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.
Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help.
The last thing you want is for people not to care about what you have to say.
I'm thrilled at the continued success of the 'Big Show.'
Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.
Making the 'Big Show' has been the most fun I've had on telly.
Coming up with your own opinion is hard. When I go to see a movie I don't really know if I enjoyed it, so I ask my wife and listen to people talking on the way out. If they all say it was magnificent I'll agree!
I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.
I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.
Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.
Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.
I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.
I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.
If I'm honest, I think everything is funny. You've just got to find the right way in. When I'm at my happiest and when I'm really on it, when I feel like I'm really on good form at the moment, everything can be funny.
I don't like upsetting people.
I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.
I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.
I was trying to do one-liners and it took me years to realise I just had to be myself. My fear was if I was myself and no one found it funny, I'd have nowhere left to go.
I've been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it's what I love and will always do.
I'm not going to crack America.
I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: 'I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.
People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it was still there the following Christmas!
It would be nice if I had a faster metabolism, because I love food.
I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ''new physique'' on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn't been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.
I like jokes where people don't stop laughing.
I had a great moment with Michael Buble where I asked him if he could teach me to sing like him and he said why we don't sing together, so we did! It was great because my wife and children came to watch his performance.
I want to look svelte.
I suppose I'm always a little bit on edge.
Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it's so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of 15,000 people who laugh their heads off at it, it's the best feeling in the world.
I was in Starbucks and the person in front of me said: 'Can I have a tall, skinny, black Americano please?' I said: 'Are you ordering coffee or voting in the U.S. elections?'
Success and arena shows are a great anti-depressant.
I wanted to bat for the England cricket team. I was quite good at cricket. But then I kept getting out for low scores. It turned out I didn't have the talent.
I've heard that my father was a really funny man in company, but I never got to see that side of him. I was just 17 when he died, and he didn't know that I was funny.
I thought I was going to do some cult, cool, late-night interviewing thing on BBC2. But everyone kept saying: 'No, Michael, you're teatime, you're not cool.'
My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
I like the stage lights to be bright so I can't see people because I will inevitably only see the ones who aren't laughing.
It's hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.
