I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
Louis C. K.
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.
I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.
I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
Everything that people say is testable.
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.
People don't talk to me on airplanes.
Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.
I could never sit down and write jokes.
A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.
Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.
Perception is created and twisted so quickly.
I love comedians. They're my community.
You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
