I am best viewed from a distance... and at night.
Jenny Eclair
I don't do marriage. I think it's incredibly naff. And I don't like vulgar displays of ostentation.
I have a fear of poverty in old age. I have this vision of myself living in a skip and eating cat food. It's because I'm freelance, and I've never had a proper job. I don't have a pension, and my savings are dwindling. I always thought someone would just come along and look after me.
I've just got crap hair. Although I inherited a lot of stuff from my dad, including giant knees, I didn't get his good, thick hair. I got my mother's thin, wispy, non-event hair instead.
I think as time goes by you'll get female comics who are weirder - you'll get a female Mighty Boosh.
The comedy I like the best is comedy I can't do, stuff that doesn't touch my arena.
I am not sure gender ever won't be an issue in comedy, because I think that women do have different priorities in some respects.
I'm the least spiritual person in the world. I can't even abide a smelly candle. I know it's meant to make me relax, and that immediately makes my hackles rise.
Well, I'm not good with sliminess. I hate the thought of creatures that have slime on them or creatures that leave a slimy trail. At home, the sight of a slug can bring up my breakfast.
I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age.
After graduating from flares and platforms in the early 1970s, I started drama school wearing a pair of khaki dungarees with one of my Dad's Army shirts, accessorised by a cat's basket doubling as a handbag. Very Lady Gaga.
I have a very solo career. I only write with people that I really adore.
I'm very bad at having heroes. I don't rate anyone particularly highly because I'm so snide and competitive and not very nice.
I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off.
For me, being a woman suits what I want to talk about and what my audience wants to hear. Maybe I'm a dying breed.
I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid.
What has happened to the good old-fashioned travel agent? I want to go to a really posh travel agent and have them organise everything for me. I don't want to do things on the Internet.
I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.
I admire the Elsie Tanners and Barbara Windsors of the world: people who have crawled back from the abyss. I'm quite camp in that respect.
Women are more emotional, and it's natural to talk about it.
I think my siblings sometimes have to defend me within their social circles - they are both barristers.
My older sister is bossy, my brother is a stirrer and me - well, I am perfect!
There should be more booing in shops and restaurants and places like that when when the service is bad. If you've had a poor breakfast in a hotel, you should put your knife and fork down and boo.
I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards.
I prefer highs and lows to an even keel. Moderation is never something I've been good at.
I know the new comedy god is surrealism, but it doesn't touch my heart.
I can't stand folk who are all snobby about reality TV.
I was trained as an actress. But I wasn't a very convincing actress, so I started doing punk poetry and then fell into doing stand-up.
As a rule, wearing a bigger pair of jeans looks better than squishing yourself into a pair of jeans that used to fit before you gave up smoking.
I've got this horrible feeling that I'm one of those people who'll always have to flog their guts out to get anywhere.
I might be needy, competitive and desperate but it's far better than being wet.
I am best viewed from a distance.
I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager.
I think I might actually die of showing off. It'll be on my headstone - 'Cause of Death: Showing Off.'
Moderation is never something I've been good at.
I can't sing.
I've got a hat face. My mother always said I've got a hat face.
People often ask why comedy is harder for women, and the reason is because a tampon will sometimes fall out when you're on stage. Blokes don't have that worry.
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke.
I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.
Well, I really don't like heights. I don't get on the top deck of a double-decker because that's a bit high for me. I always feel that I'm going to hurl myself off, so heights are a problem.
I only socialise with people that I have a lot in common with.
My daughter has always had a strong sense of her own identity. From the day she was born her father and I were in love with and in awe of her and still are.
Family is the one thing that is definitely not disposable.
I can't tan naturally.
The only way to go on holiday is with your expectations at ground level. Convince yourself before you go that the weather's going to be dreadful and there will be nylon sheets. You'll then be pleasantly surprised.
If I do go to the beach there have to be certain rules: it can't be a pebbly beach, there has to be some shade and there has to be a beach bar. I don't want to go off the beaten track.
Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls.
I still can't set up the ironing-board. A complete Luddite.
I have always had a need for attention but didn't plan to be a comic.
