If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

Denis Norden

You can't have your kayak and heat it.

Denis Norden

We saw more of each other than we did of our wives. We wrote everything together. But how long can you go on doing that? How long can you go on being half an entity?

Denis Norden

I recognise the pure gold that runs in Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin's work for 'Outnumbered' on TV. And on radio, I really enjoy John Finnemore.

Denis Norden

My father made bridal dresses, which he sold wholesale, and always wanted me to join him. He looked upon what I did as precarious and frivolous - except that he loved it when my name was in the papers.

Denis Norden

Bob Monkhouse, Galton and Simpson, Spike Milligan and I all started around the same time with an enormous advantage: working to an audience all of whom had shared an awful, common experience - the war.

Denis Norden

Everyone who appears in a scene gets paid.

Denis Norden

I prefer radio to television. Radio is a dialogue; television is a monologue. In radio, you have to interact - they put the words in your head; you build the pictures in your mind. To that extent, it is more engaging than television.

Denis Norden

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

Denis Norden

And if you can offer an explanation as to why it doesn't work then you've got to the whole root of comedy.

Denis Norden

Frank liked administrative work and was good at it.

Denis Norden

I defy anyone to get a decision that quickly these days.

Denis Norden

I have better peripheral vision in my left. It is quite hard to remain optimistic, but I have found the Macular Society, of whom I've been an enthusiastic supporter for nine years, tremendously helpful in providing support.

Denis Norden

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable to do in bed is r-e-a-d.

Denis Norden

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

Denis Norden

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

Denis Norden

Then after that came word processors and it's hard to make those laugh.

Denis Norden

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

Denis Norden

The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and would use that money to pay the writers. None of them paid very much for their comedy material, but it all added up.

Denis Norden

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

Denis Norden

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

Denis Norden