It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'

David Sedaris

If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

David Sedaris

Morning Men You

Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.

David Sedaris

War Time Wish

My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

David Sedaris

Family Well T

It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'

David Sedaris

Time Birthday Art

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

David Sedaris

Love Funny Yin

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris

Change Us Till

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

David Sedaris

Funny UN T

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.

David Sedaris

Writes Write Try

I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.

David Sedaris

Good You Who

I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why.

David Sedaris

Wit Why Understand

I sometimes read books on my iPad.

David Sedaris

Time Times Tim

They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.

David Sedaris

Were Us Too

My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her.

David Sedaris

You Years Ago Years

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

David Sedaris

Tin Ten T

I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books.

David Sedaris

Would Versions Version

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.

David Sedaris

Wit Way T

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

David Sedaris

Humor Car Art

I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you?

David Sedaris

Love Art You

I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.

David Sedaris

Yin Us T

I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.'

David Sedaris

I don't like being left to my own thoughts.

David Sedaris

I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry.

David Sedaris

I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking.

David Sedaris

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

David Sedaris

I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.

David Sedaris

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

David Sedaris

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

David Sedaris

When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.

David Sedaris

But most good movies have a gun in them.

David Sedaris

I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry.

David Sedaris

But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.

David Sedaris

People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country.

David Sedaris

People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?'

David Sedaris

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

David Sedaris

I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story.

David Sedaris

I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.

David Sedaris

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

David Sedaris

I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.

David Sedaris

I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything.

David Sedaris

I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.

David Sedaris

If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere.

David Sedaris

There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about.

David Sedaris

As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.

David Sedaris

I don't have email.

David Sedaris

To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.

David Sedaris

I think it's important to take chances.

David Sedaris

I love 'Glee.'

David Sedaris

The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing.

David Sedaris

Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie.

David Sedaris