If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
