You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.
Andy Kindler
The right wing is appealing to a shrinking, shrinking demographic of angry white people who blame their predicament in life on the fact that there are immigrants coming into the country; it's pretty ludicrous.
Why did God have to make Mo'Nique a good actress? What was God thinking when he decided to give Mo'Nique acting chops. Now we have to endure Mo'Nique comedy specials.
I'm still doing what I've always wanted to do, and how big it gets or how much money I make for it or how popular I am in the public's eye is really not that important, even though it's hard to let that go.
Most of the people in my family were pretty funny. Everyone had a good sense of humor. I came to California right after college, wanting to be a musician.
Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact.
I feel completely fearless when I'm on stage. And also totally fearful. There's the fear that I'm not making a very smart career move sometimes, but there's the stronger belief that these things need to be said.
I'm interested in Jeff Bridges. I love that guy. And I did like Carey Mulligan in 'An Education.' And I love Meryl Streep, but if they could ban 'Julie & Julia,' I'd be in favor of that.
I can open up any can of worms and get people upset.
I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold.
My big fear is that I'll put down so many people, I'll have to leave show biz.
George Lopez is always on the verge of hilarity. If he could ever think of something funny to say, if he had a funny thought in his mind, he's ready to go.
'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'
Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.
When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.
I've always felt that there's a Catskills comic who lives in my head and is constantly trying to get out. There's all these jokes that have been passed down from Jewish generation to Jewish generation, which I love but which I've always made fun of.
From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.'
I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, and someone says they love that Adam Sandler movie where he dresses up as his twin sister - well, I don't want to make people feel bad for how they feel about things. I'm always courteous, not mean.
When I played a club in Salt Lake City, I complained to the crowd about the low turnout. It's always good to berate the people who paid to see you because you're upset about the people who didn't show up. It's called misplaced anger, and without it, I wouldn't have an act.
I sold door to door for a couple years. As the years recede from the event, I remember less about it, which is probably good for my mind. It was home improvement in Cerritos California, Buena Park, that area.
I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie.
My goal is to be exactly how I am offstage - although I realize I'm supposed to punctuate it with jokes.
My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage.
I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?'
I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone.
I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing.
I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man.
If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say they should have taken out this or added that? It doesn't work that way... I have no interest in hurting people's feelings.
I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.
I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America.
The cliche that comics always use is that whatever is happening in the news is 'the gift that keeps on giving.' I always thought that was a bunch of nonsense.
I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties.
Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.
My manager came up with the name 'State of the Industry,' and it was just one of those things. It just took off. Well, I don't know about 'took off.' I'm not in the stratosphere.
My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.
I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing; you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny.
I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant to do, or figuring out what they're meant to do on their way to do something else. So I just feel lucky that I know what I love to do. Everything else figures itself out.
I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it!
I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him.
I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist.
I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.
'Ambulatory' is my favorite word to use because it never gets a laugh.
If everything was good, maybe I wouldn't have a career. I wouldn't have anything to make fun of.
I always had a tremendous amount of rage about the business, and I thought turning that into comedy was healthy.
I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.
Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell.
Sometimes things can be a guilty pleasure, but with 'Idol,' everyone talks about it like it's a real thing; they argue over who's gonna win... There's no laughing at it.
I have to say, after hanging out with Republicans for four days, I want to take a look at my own birth certificate. I don't think I was born in this country.
I don't consider myself a political comedian because it's so hard. It takes time away from me saying terrible things about TV.
Can we all admit that 'Parks and Recreation' is horrible? Is this something we would all know, but don't say? Maybe everything should not be improv'd.
