A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
Alan King
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
As you get older, as you become more sensitive, feel more, it becomes harder to make jokes. You censor yourself.
Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.
I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'
Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.
I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ventriloquist kits on the back of comic books.
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.
Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn.
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.
Age, style, where you come from, where you were born, it's different every time, which, to me, is refreshing because it says that there isn't any one thing, one formula or kind of character that makes a great comedian. Everybody has had a different approach.
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Right when I started in show... Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe's State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, 'That's who I want to be; that's what I want to be.'
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
I can't stay friends with anyone who doesn't have a passion for something; and, generally speaking, artistic people, creative people carry it right into the kitchen, too. They have a zest for life; the excitement of living. All of the great eaters I've known are also men of great wit.
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.
I was a high school throw-out.
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
