My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
