Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work.

Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.

When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.

Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.

Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.

I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.

I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.

Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.