A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
