Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse.
Norman Wisdom
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
I play drums, clarinet, saxophone, trumpet, french horn, piano.
You know I've got a chum, a smashing mate, he's got a dog with no legs, and he calls it a cigarette. It's true, yeah, because at nighttime he has to take it out for a drag.
My comedy is for children from three to 93. You do need a slightly childish sense of humour and if you haven't got that, it's very sad.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
But no, I've just been very lucky. But I've worked hard, and the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get.
Don't get me wrong: I'm overjoyed with my career to date. But perhaps I could have done more. Mostly, I just did whatever the directors told me to do.
My only phobia is untidiness. My hair has to be neatly kept; my shoes are always clean. Everything has to be in a straight line, in its place.
I owe everything to the army.
At my age, the radiation will probably do me good.
I can never tell a joke, I've always found it easier to just fall over.
What I like doing most is making children laugh.
Years ago, there was a variety theatre in every British town, and people paid to go down and see it. Comedy was the main part of the theatre, and comedians earned a living by being funny. Now you have comedy in television instead. Comedians now have to be funny within a play.
I'm still constantly thinking of ideas. I don't feel 90. I think I'm about 12.
Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world.
I've been extremely lucky having been in the army when I was a boy of fourteen.
I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night.
I've always had a sense of humour, and I still do, so I just want to go on performing as long as I can. It's as simple as that.
Most of my comedies were low on budgets - certainly by American standards.
I like consistency. If you've had a childhood like mine, you want some things you can rely on to stay the same.
There are people who like just ordinary comedy fun, and making mistakes - which I do easily - and then there are people who like the falling over.
My father used to be away for months at a time, and he'd never leave any money for food, so my brother and I had to go out and nick it.
I've been making people laugh for 40 years, so I know how important it is!
I believe in physical comedy, because that reaches out most to people.
I do play drums when I'm on tour.
I was in the band as a boy and was taught music and learned to compose.
I've an idea for doing a Situation Comedy myself but its always difficult to get people to listen to you because they like to put their own ideas forward.
I've done seven shows at the Palladium - long running shows I'm talking about.
I've got one idea I want to do for a film and you know I just enjoy myself doing bits and pieces.
In fact, one was so booked out we went from March and were to go till November, but the pantomime was booked so they transferred the show to the Prince of Wales Theatre because it was so packed out, and it ran on from there.
Of course I've done musicals here in London.
I don't know nothing about communism. But I know the Albanians loved me. Same reason as anyone else loves me. Because I made them laugh.
All my boyhood, all I ever wanted was to be loved.
I used to first go on to entertain an audience. But now I go, and this is really true - I go on to have fun with a crowd of my chums.
It was smashing working with Jerry Desmonde, he was a very nice chap.
It was absolutely thrilling to meet Laurel and Hardy, they were so nice.
You see I'm semi-retired now and don't work all the time, only most of it!
When you're as famous as I am, stories take on a life of their own.
I have a folder where I keep all the articles the critics have written about me. It makes me feel good.
I must admit I like to muck around a bit; I always have.
