Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
