If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
Laughter is an instant vacation.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
