When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.
Lisa Lampanelli
Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better.
People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.
I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know.
I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes.
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.
I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home.
I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.
Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong.
I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'
Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show.
The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
I just really work hard on myself every day.
Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.
I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.
Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do.
I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.
Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors.
Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.
That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago.
My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes.
I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more.
Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle.
Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.
I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans.
I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain.
I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with.
I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.
I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.
With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.
Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it.
Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.
I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too.
I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap.
I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.
We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.
If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.
When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.
Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine.
I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.
I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.
I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels.
When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off.
