A guy playing pool in a pub once said to me that they should put me on the telly. It went in one ear and out the other. But then I started thinking about it. I wondered how it all worked, did you have to be best mates with someone at the BBC who you went to uni with in Oxford?
Limmy
I would like to one day write a nice big novel and enjoy writing it and people enjoy reading it but I cannae be bothered or I don't have any ideas that would fill up a big book like that.
Some people don't seem to be able to distinguish between humour and what you really feel. They forget that there's a difference between what's real and what's a fantasy or joke.
My maw died when I was 20. You tune into the radio or the telly and life goes on. Things keep on happening. The world doesnae stop.
I would rather there's somebody who is just a wee bit down in the dumps believing that they've got depression and going to the doctor and getting it checked out, than not, I'd rather that everybody was given the benefit of the doubt.
I've always had something a wee bit up with me, but I think it's some kind of learning difficulty. It's always been something.
When I was wee, in the middle of the summer, the big field behind the shops would be filled with dry grass and I'd get a box of matches. You chuck one match on that and the whole thing goes up in flames. Twitter's a bit like that. You can just say one thing and it explodes from there.
The very first time I did stand-up, that was terrifying.
I think trolling is a sort of art form, a bit of a craft.
I don't want Scotland to be more important than England. There's just a cancer of low self-esteem in Scotland and a general feeling that if we were to break away it would be game over and we would be bankrupt. If that is the case then that's exactly what we should do. Why are we, a country that would be bankrupt, leaching off another one?
With my upbringing and where I grew up, people slagged people. If you slagged them, they'd slag you back... I know it pales in comparison to genuine issues that people have got, but I've had people slagging my stuff off on my blog and my website for years.
One thing I like to do is visit technical forums and ask for help regarding an entirely fictitious problem I'm having with my software. When I receive help, I say, 'Nope. Didn't work.' If they guide me to a button to click, I say, 'Nope. Can't see it.' Sometimes I just reply with nothing but 'Nope,' and it drives them up the wall.
I like some of my stuff not to be particularly funny. It's supposed to be amusing, entertaining or thought-provoking, like a curiosity. If you put it on in front of 500 people in the Odeon they wouldn't laugh. They shouldn't laugh.
I've been told to 'man up' after talking about depression on Twitter. Man up means 'be strong because that's what a man is.' And they don't just mean physical strength, they mean emotional strength. What, because men get into fights or go to wars to fight? It should be 'woman up.'
Once you get it in your head you're finished with something, to go back, it hurts.
I love 'The Twilight Zone,' the original black and white ones with Rod Serling's wee bit at the beginning.
There are so many different ways of making people laugh and sometimes you sit down to watch something that everyone says is hilarious and within a couple of minutes you realise its comedy that isn't for you.
The word 'cult' is almost a nice way of saying a lot of people hate you, or have never heard of you. It means someone can come up to me in the street who's really into my stuff, who's seen everything I've done, but the guy standing beside them has no idea who I am. Even in Glasgow. I think that's cult.
Me, you could stick me in solitary confinement for 100 years and I'd be fine.
Actually, I just want to entertain people. Put that in my obituary, a final picture, all dark in the background.
I think most people like a bit of freedom and hearing things that they might not agree with, rather than just having everybody shutting their mouths.
No, I don't think I'll ever get any stalkers, as I'm the stalker type myself.
I mean, maybe I'm alternative in that my stuff's not mainstream, doesn't want to be mainstream, could never be mainstream.
There's nothing quite like sitting watching the telly on a Saturday night. It has such a nice, homely feel.
There have been occasions when some people have taken me very seriously.
You can get too involved with all the wee things in life, but the most important thing is you're alive and well.
I'm quite a hermit.
I'm not a mad genius or anything, but I'm just constantly driven to make things up, but I wonder who I'm doing all this for?
I love saying terrible things. Things that I think are terrible and I've gotten in to trouble in the past - just hearing it come out of my mouth or seeing it typed and seeing it out there - something terrible that in real life isn't funny.
I'm genuine! I've not got some dark, shadowy corporation behind me pulling the strings.
The only thing I worry about over-sharing is boring people.
Sometimes there were certain things in 'Limmy's Show' where I'd be having to come up with six episodes and as a result there was stuff in there that wasn't my favourite and I'd think, 'ach I'll shove that in this episode.'
I'm alright with being disliked rather than trying to be perfect, because you get to relax then.
When streaming came out years ago I loved it. I loved having an audience, I loved chatting away and looking at a live chat and now on Twitch you can actually get a career at it.
My son likes Doctor Seuss books, but they're right tongue twisters. You get to certain bits and you stumble your words and it makes you feel like an idiot.
People are so quick to get offended.
I was reading some Raymond Carver. I really liked how he did that 'slice of life' thing. Because I'm not much of a reader I end up finding out about these things a long time after other people.
Being in somebody else's thing and saying their words and not having any right to change it - I don't know how I'd deal with that. I'd like to think I could do it, but I just know I've got a dead particular taste.
People say what they think online because it's not to your face. That's a good thing. You don't really want people just being nice to you with their opinions.
The day I say I'm famous is the day I sound like a fanny.
I write in quite a simple way because that's just the way I write. The vocab I use is quite wee. That's just the way I talk.
If you run about trying to make people like you all the time you'd never get anything done.
People who give off about fat-shaming and body-shaming are often the same people who talk about Trump's hair or how fat he is, or how old he is. The size of his hands and his fingers - that's the big one: let's all have a big laugh at his hands.
I think on my passport form I described myself as 'entertainer,' filling it in, in a Post Office or something. I felt like I should be doing jazz hands when I wrote that, but I don't do anything else really.
Daft Wee Stories' is, as the title says, daft wee stories. I just sort of rattled them out, tried to make them quite funny, with punchlines - they're kind of like sketches.
I don't really get angry any more.
Going to a pub when you're not drinking is pretty boring.
Aye aye, I'm not one of these people that hate Christmas. Some people think it's all fake, but I like that kind of thing. It's like Las Vegas. I know this isnae really the Eiffel Tower and that isnae really the Statue of Liberty, but it's just a bit of fun.
I do like crossing moral boundaries.
I never made my website to try and get anywhere, it was just a laugh.
