A guy playing pool in a pub once said to me that they should put me on the telly. It went in one ear and out the other. But then I started thinking about it. I wondered how it all worked, did you have to be best mates with someone at the BBC who you went to uni with in Oxford?

Limmy

A guy playing pool in a pub once said to me that they should put me on the telly. It went in one ear and out the other. But then I started thinking about it. I wondered how it all worked, did you have to be best mates with someone at the BBC who you went to uni with in Oxford?

Limmy

I would like to one day write a nice big novel and enjoy writing it and people enjoy reading it but I cannae be bothered or I don't have any ideas that would fill up a big book like that.

Limmy

Some people don't seem to be able to distinguish between humour and what you really feel. They forget that there's a difference between what's real and what's a fantasy or joke.

Limmy

My maw died when I was 20. You tune into the radio or the telly and life goes on. Things keep on happening. The world doesnae stop.

Limmy

I would rather there's somebody who is just a wee bit down in the dumps believing that they've got depression and going to the doctor and getting it checked out, than not, I'd rather that everybody was given the benefit of the doubt.

Limmy

I've always had something a wee bit up with me, but I think it's some kind of learning difficulty. It's always been something.

Limmy

When I was wee, in the middle of the summer, the big field behind the shops would be filled with dry grass and I'd get a box of matches. You chuck one match on that and the whole thing goes up in flames. Twitter's a bit like that. You can just say one thing and it explodes from there.

Limmy

The very first time I did stand-up, that was terrifying.

Limmy

I think trolling is a sort of art form, a bit of a craft.

Limmy

I don't want Scotland to be more important than England. There's just a cancer of low self-esteem in Scotland and a general feeling that if we were to break away it would be game over and we would be bankrupt. If that is the case then that's exactly what we should do. Why are we, a country that would be bankrupt, leaching off another one?

Limmy

With my upbringing and where I grew up, people slagged people. If you slagged them, they'd slag you back... I know it pales in comparison to genuine issues that people have got, but I've had people slagging my stuff off on my blog and my website for years.

Limmy

One thing I like to do is visit technical forums and ask for help regarding an entirely fictitious problem I'm having with my software. When I receive help, I say, 'Nope. Didn't work.' If they guide me to a button to click, I say, 'Nope. Can't see it.' Sometimes I just reply with nothing but 'Nope,' and it drives them up the wall.

Limmy

I like some of my stuff not to be particularly funny. It's supposed to be amusing, entertaining or thought-provoking, like a curiosity. If you put it on in front of 500 people in the Odeon they wouldn't laugh. They shouldn't laugh.

Limmy

I've been told to 'man up' after talking about depression on Twitter. Man up means 'be strong because that's what a man is.' And they don't just mean physical strength, they mean emotional strength. What, because men get into fights or go to wars to fight? It should be 'woman up.'

Limmy

Once you get it in your head you're finished with something, to go back, it hurts.

Limmy

I love 'The Twilight Zone,' the original black and white ones with Rod Serling's wee bit at the beginning.

Limmy

There are so many different ways of making people laugh and sometimes you sit down to watch something that everyone says is hilarious and within a couple of minutes you realise its comedy that isn't for you.

Limmy

The word 'cult' is almost a nice way of saying a lot of people hate you, or have never heard of you. It means someone can come up to me in the street who's really into my stuff, who's seen everything I've done, but the guy standing beside them has no idea who I am. Even in Glasgow. I think that's cult.

Limmy

Me, you could stick me in solitary confinement for 100 years and I'd be fine.

Limmy

Actually, I just want to entertain people. Put that in my obituary, a final picture, all dark in the background.

Limmy