We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

We are all in this together, by ourselves.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

But there are too many people that make so much money at the cost of lives of other humans and for no reason but to make the money.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

I grew up in a time when women didn't really do comedy. You had to be homely, overweight, an old maid, all that. You had to play a stereotype, because very attractive women were not supposed to be funny - because it's powerful; it's a threat.

I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war.

What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.

We're all in this alone.

What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.

When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store.

If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.

You don't really need to get married, but marriage is awfully nice. Everybody I know who got married, they say it really makes a difference. They feel very, very happy about it.

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them.

You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.

I mean yes to act out something or take chances in the performance is one thing. But in terms of a camera, whatever's captured is captured so that's a little more daunting.

I never officially came out in any kind of really public way. I just always lived very simply and openly, but the press has never made a big fuss about me or said anything to me.

I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.

I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it - work all the time - because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.

Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.

Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life!

I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.