In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Les Dawson
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
Slumps don't bother me.
The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.
I know my name will always be linked with women.
The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
