When you're confined to a hospital bed, there aren't many appointments you can make. You await visits from friends and family members. You enjoy the coconut ice cream they smuggle in. You tolerate the erratic and invasive visits of doctors and nurses, hoping that one of them will bring you closer to going home.
Josh Gondelman
Although my grandmother was a strict parent and abided my grandfather's kosher diet, as a Nana, she had grown away from religion and was almost unbelievably permissive.
'The Rap Year Book' is really great. Shea Serrano wrote it, and it became this huge phenomenon where he sold out everywhere and made the bestseller list just on the strength of his fans on Twitter wanting him to succeed.
Even under the best circumstances, speaking at your own wedding ceremony is a high pressure endeavor. What even constitutes a vow? I always picture them as exclamations you bellow at the sky.
I drink iced coffee nearly every morning and many afternoons year-round.
I like comedy that's very specific and isn't afraid to lose people through its specificity.
A vest is just a totem reminding you that some people dress well, and you can be one of those people.
It would not occur to me to write a joke like, 'This would be great if I was more like Andrew Dice Clay.' It's not the voice I write in - which is largely an extension of the voice in my head that I think in.
Given that I often wear shorts with a T-shirt, baseball cap, and backpack most days, a crew-neck shirt gives me the appearance of an undercover cop on the way to a sting operation at a summer camp.
My mom worked as an education director.
I value niceness. But now, as a grown person, I value goodness above that. Because niceness doesn't change anything, and goodness changes things.
I grew up in Stoneham, a little suburb of Boston. It's pronounced 'Stone 'em' because Massachusetts doesn't bend to the will of 'how letters are supposed to be said.'
I'm skinny, but a soft skinny. I have strong legs, but my arms are like pea pods with single peas for elbows.
The modern ease of catfishing has had the tangential effect of growing a cottage industry of websites offering the services of fake Internet girlfriends.
There are very funny people who aren't good at Twitter and people who are really good on Twitter where that's the best or the only thing they do. There are some people I know that don't write creatively outside of Twitter, but they're so good at Twitter.
I tweeted that Tom Brady's politics are 'garbage,' which may have been hyperbolic.
I'm not usually vain about my body. It's like Pennsylvania: The same way the Keystone State comprises Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with not much in between, I've got good legs and shapely eyebrows, and it's kind of a wasteland outside of that.
Ludacris albums are all over the map in terms of overall quality, but as a rapper, he tops out as a hilarious, charismatic guy with a singular voice.
Big romantic gestures are only as strong as the relationships they happen in.
I broke my wrist at summer camp playing a game called 'volleybat,' which was baseball but with a volleyball. It is as dangerous as it sounds.
I don't resent at all people saying, 'Oh, he's like a sweetheart'... but within comedy, it's a very funny way to talk about someone because it usually means they don't have much of an act.
I don't court haters. I don't thrive on people not liking things that I do. I treat people the way I want to be treated.
A vest, as a clothing item, always makes a statement, but depending on context, those declarations vary a great deal.
I remember, when I was a kid, my dad would subscribe to the BMG Music Club, and we got that initial 12 CDs for a penny... I think it was cassettes. Eight CDs or 12 cassettes, something like that.
For many comedians, two common anxiety triggers include performing in front of family members and doing brand new material.
The Super Bowl is an occasion that's really associated with abundance - lots of snacks, parties, spectacle - and so it would be great if there were also some kind of tradition of generosity attached to it as well.
Toughing out the winter is a dedication to my heritage, both in terms of not going 'soft' by kowtowing to nature's volatility and staying physically close to my family in New England. I don't run from that kind of pressure.
I grew up in the Boston suburbs and inherited a stubborn New England refusal to acknowledge frigid temperatures.
'Are you sure you're going to be warm enough?' is a question I get a lot.
In my early years doing standup, I bombed a lot.
A standup set ends on a buildup of tension and subsequent release for a big laugh.
Nonresidents have a tendency to rush their visits to Harlem.
I think the term 'Twitter comedian' can seem like a pejorative because it's not a job, really, and there's such a low barrier for entry to get started.
I don't want to have to be a teacher so I can be a comedian.
I feel like, in Boston, I was a little too complacent. I could get on stage when I wanted. I didn't feel like I was pushing myself. I could get work in New England and not have to travel too much.
I like to see my parents, and they like it when I'm around.
I was a weirdo, but a well-liked weirdo.
I had a Screech-from-'Saved by the Bell' kind of vibe in that I hung out with people and had friends while having, like, big, curly hair and being generally a dork.
I played sports because I think it's mandatory in the greater Boston area regardless of your aptitude. It's like, well, what else would you be doing?
When I was young - like, young young - I would read all the time. I would read when I was walking places. My taste was, like, all over the place. I wouldn't even call it taste. It was just like, what was there.
I live very gently.
I've always been very un-fun. I'm a habit person. I have a very weak version of an addictive personality.
I try to be kind, and I try to reflect that in my comedy, but I'm also incredibly bad at being mean. I can't pull it off effectively, so I always end up reverting back to politeness.
Honest doesn't necessarily mean unfiltered.
I'm a big fan of saying the thing that is not necessarily sincere or earnest, but definitely honest.
I usually think to do pep talks on Twitter if I'm on the road, at home and my girlfriend is out of town, or if I'm at home and up later then my girlfriend and our dog Bizzy - like, if they're both asleep but I'm kind of wired.
What I try to do, what I attempt to do, is say things that I mean at least at an emotional level.
It's a very lovely reputation to have - being a kind person. I try to live up to the fact that people think that about me.
As a kid, I always loved Mel Brooks' stuff - 'The 2,000 Year Old Man' record was something my dad put me onto.
Especially when I'm heckled, that's a sticky situation because I don't defuse it... I really envy guys who have a grittier onstage presence and can really go after someone. I used to teach preschool.
