I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

I was not an attractive child.