Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Never floss with a stranger.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
I was not an attractive child.
