There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing.
Jimmy Fallon
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Everyone looks so much better when they smile.
Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to what they are saying.
My wife and I got engaged in New Hampshire at this lake house that her family's had forever, and it's on Lake Winnipesaukee. And so we went there every summer as we were dating.
You only think of the best comeback when you leave.
I'd be nothing without my wife. She's the coolest. She's the greatest. She is the smartest. She's the funniest. I love her so much. She's like the - it's like your best friend for the rest of your life.
'Have fun' is my message. Be silly. You're allowed to be silly. There's nothing wrong with it.
I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I'm really rooting for the Red Sox.
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'
Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.
Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.
My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass.
Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.
I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I threw a coin into a fountain, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I saw a shooting star, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.'
Thank you... motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot.
The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.
I like doing energetic things.
I can watch an episode of Jerry Seinfeld, and by the end, I'm just walking around my house, you know, talking like Jerry Seinfeld. 'What is that? What are you doing? Who is it? What's going' - you know, I just had that thing, when I grew up, I'd just start talking like people. You know, I always had that.
Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don't worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen.
I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous.
I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.
The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed.
We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot while the film was still rolling, going 90 mph.
Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.'
I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.
I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep.
Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.
You can't reinvent the wheel. I remember when we first started out at 'Late Night,' we were trying to hire directors, and this guy was like, 'I see you behind a glass desk.' I don't. And he's like, 'Yeah, the glass desk.' I go, 'I don't really see me as a glass desk guy.'
I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch.
I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie.
I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed.
I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos.
I honestly, purposely have not gone to therapy because I know some crazy stuff's going to be dragged up and, you know, I'll be like, 'Wait, what?'
Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, 'Thank you?'
Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.
I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.
My dad used to work at IBM, so we used to get discounts on computers and stuff, and I did have a ThinkPad.
If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.
I don't want to admit it, but I do enjoy the feedback from the audience. It's instant feedback. It's like, you could do a movie, shoot it for a year, wait six months, it comes out and you gotta do three weeks of marketing. Three weeks of that, and everyone goes, 'It sucks.'
If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet.
Thank you... preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce 'gubernatorial.'
Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.
In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.
I like being absurd. Being silly.
Thank you... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.'
I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make me laugh for an hour. Entertain me, and then I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face.' That's my job; that's what I do.
Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking.
I didn't act like I was there. I just got into the story.
