I got a GED when I was 21 and it doesn't mean anything to me now. I'm still a high school dropout and I like the fact that I've had a good life without that.
Jim Norton
I don't care if I offend people. I really don't care.
I choose to believe that we are addicted to the rush of being offended, the idea of it, rather than believing we have become a nation of emasculated children whose only defense against an abyss of emotional agony is a trigger warning.
I don't really like Phil Robertson and I think his opinion about gay marriage is stupid. But in a country where we want an honest conversation, we have to realize that part of the honest conversation is hearing things we don't like and discussing them.
I date but nothing really long term. I haven't had much luck. I probably haven't met the right woman. Most probably know to stay away from me.
I got really lucky that at age 12, I knew I just wanted to be a dancing monkey in front of people and entertain them, or try to. It's amazing that at age 12 I realized what a needy life I was gonna have.
It's really the old question: Does art inspire life or does life inspire art? Maybe it's a combination of both. But Trump represented something. He didn't create what we are. He comes from what we are. And he's a representative of what we are, whether we like it or not. He's just not our better nature.
You know, a comedian's comedian is just that - it's a guy who's original and funny and can make comics laugh.
I don't worry about the crowds agreeing with me anymore. I want them to laugh and have a good time, but I think they can disagree with you and still enjoy it.
The one curse in America is that we deny who we really are and what we like.
I don't have jokes that I can't defend.
Don Lemon is one of my favorites. I love him.
It's really hard to truly want people who you hate to have the right to say whatever they want. And we all disguise the ugly self-centeredness of it.
I figure I do a lot of things, none of them particularly well.
Being a harsh, dirty comic, the last person on earth I ever expected to help my career was Jay Leno. I had always thought of performing on 'The Tonight Show' as an unachievable goal, because I bought into the myth that only squeaky clean, family-friendly material would be welcome there.
I'm afraid if I start to enjoy life, the rug will be yanked out from beneath me.
I get away with 10 times more on 'Leno' than I would on any other show.
I like to keep busy, because otherwise I'd be languishing by myself.
With 'Mouthful of Shame,' all of my fans or the majority of them said it's the best thing you've ever done and that meant a lot because as you go on with time, if they're still really enjoying it, that means you're getting better.
I like being single.
The media is a very necessary thing in our country to keep people honest.
It's not a hard job, radio or standup, there are hard parts of it, sure. There are guys who do ten hours of construction a day don't want to hear me talk about my job being difficult. Compared to what a lot of people do, this is genuinely easy.
To me the important thing for a comic to be is emotionally honest.
I always wore a hat. They were gonna throw me out of high school because I wouldn't take my hat off. But it was just a deep insecurity about my awful hair.
Anyone who can't tell the difference between a joke and hate speech is just stupid.
I never expect anything. The more good things that happen the better, but I never expect anything.
It's nice to have funny friends. I like watching my friends perform.
You know, Americans think that they're such progessive and free thinkers, but we're as uptight as any other country when it comes to speech and language and content.
There are just some things that I don't think jokes are good for.
I hate a well-lit room.
Google is not my friend. I've been way too open in my career. Google has killed any shot I have on the dating apps.
You can't worry about saying something that will get you in trouble because the line changes so fast. If you try to navigate it, you will not only suck but eventually say something stupid and get yourself dumb anyway.
I get bored really fast.
I never care if the audience groans.
I know that I have a good career and I'm really busy, but there's always that part of my mind that's like, 'You're not doing enough, nobody knows you're alive, you're failing.'
My job is to be funny.
A lot of racism is paternalism. A lot of people hide their own racism because they treat blacks, minorities and other groups like children because deep down they feel superior and better than these people. And they don't feel like they should just treat a guy like a guy.
I like Fox, but I also like Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon.
A lot of times the mainstream public loves something, critics will hate it and then they'll think the public is stupid and they're above the public.
Well, audiences will laugh at a lot of things that comedians won't.
It's surreal to be hanging out on Ozzy's patio with him talking politics. It's so funny when people doubt that he's with it because he's a really sharp, smart guy.
I'm boring. I really don't do much.
Regular people are the problem. It's not the government, it's not the invasive Big Brother, it's the fact that we're a nation of snitches and nosey people who then cry when somebody wants our personal information. I'm talking about people who are being voyeuristic to people's privacy.
I'm a much nicer guy than people think I'm going to be.
I'm always tired.
The image people have of comedians staring defiantly over a stationary line of good taste is simply inaccurate. We don't approach this line, put our toes over it arrogantly and then scamper back to safety. The line doesn't exist.
Realize that doing comedy is only going to make your depression worse.
You can't apologize for who you are on a stage, you can reveal who you are but don't apologize because that's begging the audience to turn on you.
Communicate and just be open with each other. Have an unpleasant talk once in a while so it does not turn into a festering resentment, which is inevitable. It has happened with every girlfriend I have ever had.
Wherever I go, there is definitely my audience. I would say in some places there's more of them than others, but it's one advantage to performing for a long time and building up kind of a reputation with a certain crowd.
