It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
I like money, but it's never been about the money.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Men want to make women happy.
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.
Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.
Stand-up is hard.
I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.
When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.
There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
