You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.

Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man.

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

We all have faults, and mine is being wicked.

But what is all this fear of and opposition to Oblivion? What is the matter with the soft Darkness, the Dreamless Sleep?

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person.

Man is flying too fast for a world that is round. Soon he will catch up with himself in a great rear end collision.

The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.

I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40.

Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband).

Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything.

Discussion in America means dissent.

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.

The animals that depend on instinct have an inherent knowledge of the laws of economics and of how to apply them; Man, with his powers of reason, has reduced economics to the level of a farce which is at once funnier and more tragic than Tobacco Road.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.

A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense.