I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me.
James Acaster
What if every relationship you've ever been in, is someone slowly figuring out they didn't like you as much as they hoped they would?
I left school and didn't go to university to be in a band.
If you just focus on getting better, and not being the best, you have such a good time.
People like abstract art because it makes them feel clever.
Corduroy hits the sweet spot between jeans and slacks. They're a trouser middleman.
I absolutely loathe sleeping in a tent, regardless of the weather.
I'd say I get heckled quite a lot because I look quite like an easy target. If you're an alpha-male and you think you've got something to prove to your girlfriend, I think I'm the perfect person to prove your worth.
Until you get left for Mr. Bean, you don't realise how frequently he pops up. There's a shop two streets from my house that sells masks of his face. There's nowhere where I'm going to go that he's not there.
I got left for Mr. Bean. I found out a year after we split up. I opened the newspaper and there was a full-page story. No one else in the history of time has ever been left for Mr. Bean.
I thought comedians were the funny guy in the common room, not understanding that the flaws in my personality were actually the funny things about me.
First I stopped believing in hell, then the afterlife. Sometimes that connection is still there, and I'll feel an impulse to pray if I'm stressed or upset.
When you're talking about a really horrible personal thing that happened to you... and it doesn't get laughs... I feel really exposed and like I've overshared with some strangers.
I'm almost able to be more honest by lying. By making everything up, I'm able to say what I really want to.
I thought, 'Anyone can make up a lie, but making the truth funny is really hard.' But I actually had more problems with people believing me when I told the truth on stage.
Ross Noble at the Leicester De Montfort Hall on his Randomist tour - it's the only time I've hurt from laughing at a standup comedian.
Everyone was wearing jeans, so I started wearing slacks. I'd walk on, and people would laugh before I got to the mic because I looked stupid.
I'm not a big depressive, but I have my moments.
I thought all good art is you doing exactly what you want to see. I didn't realise that's not even what I really like about art. Bands I liked weren't doing just what they want to do: they were finding their common ground with them and me.
One of the things I figured out was that I was having good gigs when I wore jumpers. It was because I looked more like an outsider, so they expected me to talk about weird stuff rather than normal stuff.
The Rock was one of my favourite comedy characters growing up, and I still think he is. Mainly because he took himself so seriously by being ridiculous and a buffoon all the time but always took the high status.
I definitely want to be as good and original as I can.
Every year in Edinburgh, I end up waiting behind the curtain about to go on stage, and I have a moment of thinking, 'No one's told me what to do with this show. I've done exactly what I wanted. This is the biggest arts festival in the world, and all these people have shown up. Aren't I lucky?' It really is amazing.
If a comic laughs at their own jokes, I don't like it. They shouldn't find it funny; they should seriously believe in this stupid thing they're saying.
If people leave the house wanting to see a comedian, they want to see someone speak out for themselves and share true stories from their life.
My mum is very funny when she wants to be.
You can play a gig as a band and not know that they hated you; with standup, after every line, you know.
I'm great under pressure.
I remember being four or five, not understanding how to be funny, so just going around the house and my mum and dad's friends, confusing adults by saying weird things.
The comic I can now never enjoy again is Bill Cosby. He was truly one of the first comedians I got into.
Every comic delves into the personal archive when their imagination runs dry.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, sums up the Fringe. Spend a year spitting your guts out writing a show, and people forget your name as soon as they walk out.
I really love standup, and I really love writing standup.
There's not many comedy characters that make me laugh as much as The Rock does; it's nice to have a big muscly guy being funny and stupid.
Certain celebs manage to worm their way out of the spotlight, and I won't stand for that.
I like touring, and I like stopping off at service stations and driving along motorways.
I know what I want to talk about, but I don't really know what's funny about a joke until I perform it in front of an audience.
I grew up with interesting and funny people. We made our own fun. You had to use your imagination.
If people are coming to see me because they like what I do on 'Mock the Week,' that's great because they are coming to see me being me.
I never liked wrestling, but I thought The Rock was brilliant, and that is a statement to how funny he is that I'd even watch a show that I didn't like just to see him on it.
Because such a massive part of stand-up is trying and failing first, I'm not putting as much pressure on. Just going out and doing it is enough.
There were plenty of times before I did stand-up where I needed counselling, but I didn't go because it would have meant I was officially ill.
I'm always writing, always working.
There's no excuse for panel games, other TV comedy shows, or even live bills to be made up mainly of men.
I'd decided to write about stuff that I would like to hear standup about.
My parents are very good examples of Christians. They are big on forgiveness.
I think I can draw both a mainstream audience and an alternative audience to my shows. I also have the ability to disappoint both.
