I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Humor is reason gone mad.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
