I was drinking so much coffee and Red Bull just to keep going it screwed me.
Frankie Boyle
If you're an activist trying to do something important, I salute you. Most of us just give ourselves ethical brownie points for watching Channel 2 instead of Channel 3, like characters in a broad dystopian satire.
A lot of racism comes from projection. White Americans have a stereotype of black people being criminals purely because they can't acknowledge that it was actually white people that stole them from Africa in the first place.
It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them.
For anyone who has ever asked why the U.S. needs to address the issue of reparations for its history of slavery, Donald Trump is why. He is the living embodiment of America's unresolved issues.
Doug Stanhope is great - I saw his 'Burning the Bridge to Nowhere' show and it was inspiring. He's like an anti-shaman, taking the sting out of a bunch of things we've chosen to give a symbolic power to. I've made it sound noble and worthy there, it's not, it's really funny.
The Labour party has, from the beginning, been made up of diverse factions; that's its beauty - asking it to become cohesive is like trying to find one shampoo that will care for the hair of everybody in Angelina Jolie's house.
I've been studying Israeli army martial arts. I now know 16 ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.
I'm not cynical at all.
Sectarianism is a real problem, but it should be addressed by people engaging with each other - reconciliation.
There's still a lot of racism in stand-up.
It is part of my job description to be offensive.
On channels terrified of accusations of bias, or political retribution, comics making jokes about the growing power base of far-right politicians aren't taking the 'easy' route.
If I ever get to meet Vladimir Putin, I will probably take my top off and challenge him to an erotically charged wrestling match, which I will let him win.
The SNP are far from radical, but they do have a knack for producing the odd simple, progressive policy that's hard to argue against.
I loved the idea of Bowie as an artist, with his Burroughsian cut-up technique, creating these undecipherable, abstract songs, where we all projected our own meanings onto his jarring word choices and unexpected chord changes.
You can actually make your own Trump policies by going through the incinerator at the Daily Mail and picking through the dust for anything they thought might get them prosecuted.
I'm not Russell Brand or Ricky Gervais, but I have enough money that I don't have to work. Most people who've done what I do don't have that.
The Tories have been offering us a cocktail of incompetence and malice and Labour haven't done anything to draw attention to it. It's been like watching Mesut Ozil drop perfect crosses on to the head of an increasingly frustrated Stephen Hawking.
If we can look at another human being and categorise them as 'illegal,' or that chilling American word 'alien,' then what has become of our own humanity?
Your ruling class don't care about what happens to you. What seems like some enormous upset in your community is undetectable from a helicopter or a speeding motorcade. They are pitiless.
I think you have a lot of rich and Conservative people who control our country who are racist and their views trickle down through things like tabloid papers.
I worry about everything in this country in particular.
Having our privacy exposed is particularly crushing for the British - a nation for whom the phrase: 'How are you?' really means: 'Please say one word, then leave me alone.'
Creationists have often made me doubt evolution, but probably not in the way they think.
In my early 20s, there was a period when all I owned was about a dozen CDs and a crappy Discman. I'd listen to 'The Man Who Sold The World' album endlessly as I sat on off-peak trains jerking around the Sussex countryside to and from the asylum I worked in.
British people have a really sophisticated sense of humour, because we're exposed to much more than Europeans and Americans, not least in our literary heritage.
I can make a joke pointing out that David Cameron told off Sri Lanka for human rights abuses committed with weapons Britain sold it - like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.
I think we live in a country that sometimes forgets how effective the rule of law is, perhaps because our governments have often found it inconvenient.
Isis want to destroy the knowledge that Islam is a beautiful, scientific and intelligent culture, and we are way ahead of them.
We live in a country where posting 'Let's riot or something bruv!' on Facebook will get you a couple of years in prison, while writing a column saying we should bomb Syria is practically an entrance exam for public intellectuals.
Of course, it's absurd that we trust the Tories with our day-to-day reality, as so many of them don't really inhabit it. Why elect people to run our schools and hospitals who choose not to go to those schools and hospitals?
We live in a culture built on debt, so we are encouraged to have no self control.
I just want to do something that I feel makes a difference.
We fear the arrival of immigrants that we have drawn here with the wealth we stole from them. For much of the rest of the world we must be the focus of bitter amusement, characters in a satire we don't understand. It is British people that don't learn languages, or British history. Britain is the true scrounger, the true criminal.
The Conservative party now exists largely to misinform the public, to convince voters struggling through austerity that they have the same interests as billionaires and corporations.
Trump's one liberal policy seems to be his desire to pump more funding into mental health - which I've taken the liberty of interpreting as a massive cry for help.
Let's not forget that the essential message of a Republican candidate is a tricky sell. That you love America, but hate all the groups that make up America. That you love democracy, but hate people.
Remember, taboos are just a map of what a society feels it's acceptable to be neurotic about. Taboos aren't rational.
Ed Miliband's anti-immigration stance is odd: it's hard to vote for a man who doesn't have the confidence to defend his own existence.
People think that the Middle East is very complex but I have an analogy that sums it up quite well. If you imagine that Palestine is a big cake, well... that cake is being punched to pieces by a very angry Jew.
I've said jokes where I thought people might get up and hit me for this. A couple of people have thought about it. But they didn't. It gives you a lot of power, because if you're on shows where people are worried about getting sacked and you're not, then you're transcendent because you say what other people would like to say.
The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.
Islamic State practise a brand of Islamic law so strict that apparently Raqqa only has two Irish Pubs.
Of course, it's hard to get interested in the whole idea of government. Nothing ever changes, especially people saying 'nothing ever changes,' despite the fact their kid now has a free nursery place and their aunt was forced to work despite having dementia.
I'm actually all for political correctness. If you want to work to change the usage of a word that's discriminatory then fine, I'm behind you. But that's a conversation that needs to be had in the culture. You can't just decide that commonly used parts of a language are evil and that the people who didn't get the memo must be bad people.
People feel much more comfortable with the 'Fifty Shades of Grey' version of women's liberation: possibly feeling life would be much simpler if the suffragettes hadn't wanted the vote and just really enjoyed chaining themselves to railings.
I don't believe I'm a recovering alcoholic - I'm someone who used to drink. AA comes from a religious movement and that whole thing of 'I'm always burdened with this' and the original sin idea. It's not like that for me.
Trump divides his time between working some kind of 'King Ralph' angle, and claiming that he's going to make the U.S. great again by using his business experience. We can only assume that means repeatedly declaring it bankrupt, then changing its name so he can just shake off all the debt.
There is no doubt I have offended many people. No doubt, also, that I have blasphemed. I sometimes try to offend as part of my routine - after all, the essence of humour, even in a child, is the effort to shock and surprise.
