My sister told me: 'You need to have a baby so that you've got someone to look after you when you're old.' And I was like: 'Hang on - I thought that's what the NHS was for? Unless the NHS is that screwed by the time I'm old, you've literally had to give birth to your own medical professional.'
Ellie Taylor
For many people, Christmas is indeed the most wonderful time of year. But the festive period can also bring its own unique stresses and strains. But don't despair: there are solutions to many - if not all - of these issues.
I'm not interested in babies at all. Babies to me are like wasps: pointless, irritating and even one can ruin a picnic. They're just not my bag at all.
With social distancing restrictions in place, many are finding themselves isolated from their support networks and suddenly navigating parenthood differently than they expected.
There's always someone out there being mean, but what upsets me is the spite. Why are you like that? Why are you so horrible?
I've had some bad gigs, don't get me wrong.
I'm quite ungainly.
If I see a baby, I don't feel anything. It's like Theresa May walking past a homeless person.
I prefer clothes with a waist rather than boxy shapes.
I'd like to be on 'Graham Norton.' Just because I used to do the audience warm-up for the 'Graham Norton' show, and I just think that would be a beautifully lovely, typical end to a narrative. I like a neat ending.
When I was younger it was people like Victoria Wood who I loved.
Nothing gets a party started like some 110 per cent proof Ouzo from Kavos circa 2002.
Playing the Hammersmith Apollo was pretty special.
If you haven't truly died a million times as a comic you haven't gigged enough!
I started comedy as a hobby with no intention of making it my career.
I feel like the timbre of your voice as a woman doesn't cut through as well as a loud bassy voice, so you need to noticeably speak up.
When I've been on shows as a guest, I'm backstage, so I don't usually hear what the warm-up is saying, so I went and watched a couple of people do it and thought, 'Actually, I reckon this is do-able.' The audience is usually excited to be there; it's just getting a good chat with people.
Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent. I love children, some of my best friends used to be children. But I was fed up of these 'competitions,' so I decided to do the opposite, I decided to do the non-motherhood challenge and post five photos of myself which made me proud not to be a mother.
I can't drink anything after 9 P.M. otherwise I'm up all night.
I drink loads of water.
I did a standup show called 'Show Me the Funny,' so from that I got some TV stuff and people would book me for gigs. I wasn't really good enough at that point, so had to catch up with expectations.
I want to do everything, so when I started I wanted to be an actress, and I've always written funny things. I love that; it gives me a real sense of achievement and joy. I also love presenting. I'd never been interested in it before but found it pretty fun and easy, and I really enjoyed working with a group - standup is so lonely.
My dad's pretty funny. He's funny for all of the wrong reasons. The first time I did standup at Edinburgh he sat in the front row and wore sunglasses because he didn't want to put me off.
I tend to read quite serious things in order to try and appear superior.
There was the phase I went through where I'd put streaks of red food colouring in my fringe as some kind of budget instant hair dye. Fine until it rained and I looked like I'd had a head injury.
The real pleasure of cruising is arriving at a new destination.
Hogwarts is comforting.
I feel like everyone could do with starting wearing SPF at least a decade earlier than they do, just for ageing.
I was working in a day job in marketing but I had my sights on doing an open-mic night.
I remember I quite liked 'SingStar' for a while.
I once hosted the Butcher Shop of the Year Awards. There's nothing like performing to the personification of the phrase a 'sausage fest' to hammer home how you've hit the big time.
The high of a great set is better than anything.
I'm definitely my worst critic. I guess that's good because it keeps you on your toes.
Everyone knows the feeling where you're in the pub and you make your mates laugh. It's awesome, you feel like you rock. That's what comedians want with a bit of extra ego.
In group situations, I tend to be the quiet one.
I'm always in comfy clothes.
I reckon I'm in pyjamas 70 per cent of my life. But I do love getting dressed up, too.
I wear a lot of black, floaty things, but I've got lots of bright, flowery stuff, too.
I would like to go to the Oscars. I'm not even talking about being nominated - although that would be lovely. Even if it was I won a competition on the back of a crisp packet to go to the Oscars I would like to go to the Oscars.
I always showed off when I was a kid.
I was always the tallest. I was five foot seven when I finished junior school.
I was never thin enough to be a proper model and not big enough to be plus-size.
I have no maternal instincts.
I was a massive geek.
I want a dragon.
I went out with a guy from Wolverhampton once. He took me to watch a Wolves match. A man in the seat behind me burned a hole in my coat with a cigarette.
Lots of people do stand up shows with no narrative, but I love a beginning, a middle and an end.
Show Me The Funny' was not very successful ratings wise, but the right people saw me.
People who have heard of me have heard of me mostly through presenting and asked, 'Why have you gone into comedy?'
