My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
Elayne Boosler
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
Horse racing is waning in popularity.
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope.
When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
I've never been able to write for stand-up.
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with.
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
