No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
David Spade
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
Single guys get a bad rap.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'
I have no detectable hair style.
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
It's funny because it's funny.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
My career is just kind of crazy.
To be famous and broke is hard.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.
It's hard to have a career.
Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
I never dated much in high school or college.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.
