A man is only as faithful as his options.
Chris Rock
I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.
When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.
A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.
I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.
I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.
Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.
Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.
Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I'm kind of a contemporary guy. I don't think you want to see me in 'Raisin in the Sun'.
Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.
If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.
When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.
Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.
It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.
I love being famous. It's almost like being white.
I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.
When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.
