The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
Chelsea Handler
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
We women have to stick together.
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'
TMZ is so disgusting.
I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.
I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.
I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.
I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.
If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.
I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.
I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.
I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.
Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
I encourage interoffice romance.
You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'
I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'
