A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
I have too much money invested in sweaters.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.
They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
