My father grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the first tract housing built for G.I.'s. His dad had stormed the beaches of Omaha and died when my father was very young. My dad had to raise himself, pretty much.
Bert Kreischer
If there's an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there's an anxiety attack, I will have it.
I adopted a motto: Never say no. Jim Morrison never said no, Kurt Cobain never said no. You couldn't have great things to write about if all you did was sit in your living room with your roommates talking about the phone bill.
There are days where I'm like, 'Oh, my God, I'm so happy I'm living the life I'm living.'
Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you're either going to die or not. It's a very helpless feeling but it's so freeing.
I am not a big fan of very prepared standup. I like when Dave Attell writes and I appreciate it but I much more enjoy with he does crowd work. I'm not that kind of comic that prepares a specific set. If I see a comic do the same prepared set night after night I am so bored.
I'm just kind of a regular guy.
I'm the guy who needs to be front and center. I joined a fraternity to do that.
My second freshman year of college, that's year two of seven, my father got very sick and though he was going to die. He gave me a Rolex, a bottom of the line one. I wore that watch everyday. He didn't die. On my 40th birthday, he gave me a very nice Rolex that belonged to him. That's the one thing we connect on: the watch.
I grew up Catholic and still feel a lot of Catholic guilt. But my wife is not religious so we're not raising our daughters religiously.
It's not hard to find the energy to do the things you absolutely want to do.
I love going on other people's podcasts - in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests!
I've learned to control my anxiety.
My personality has gotten me some really good job interviews in New York.
I love touring. I love stand up. I love getting on a tour bus with my friends.
I say off-the-wall things to get a response.
I run into guys all the time that say, 'Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively lost 130 pounds.'
My first stand-up experience was in Tallahassee at a club called Potbelly's.
There is nothing that I'm more compelled to do than get up in front of a crowd and make people laugh.
I don't have that kind of brain where I can spell-check.
I'm not technically brand-friendly to feminists.
I have always liked being the life of the party.
I think I've got the coolest friends in the entire world, I really do.
Busch Gardens was my theme park; it was where I went on my day off from school.
Part of my personality is I like to have a good time and I'm an extrovert, and extroverts, they blossom as meathead frat boys and extroverts get labeled as meathead frat boys. For me, it's just part of my personality.
People take getting offended in L.A. to an art form.
The Travel Channel named me the professional fun seeker, and that's exactly what I am.
Don't hole up in your apartment and just write jokes, be a real human being and develop your own voice. Then you will be undeniable.
You don't go to a school and major in partying.
I can talk fantasy football forever!
I was in New York City and my sister and cousin came out to see me, and I brought a guitar on stage. But all the audience wanted was for me to play so they weren't listing to anything I was saying, I bombed hard. On the cab ride home, my sister pulled a sticker off the cab and put it on my guitar which I still have today in my man cave.
I read some older books when I worked at Barnes And Noble, like some of the American classics. I read a lot of Hemingway. I fell in love with Hemingway's prose and with the way he wrote. I feel like he's talking to me, like we're in a bar and he's not trying to jazz it up and sound smart, he's just being him.
I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I'll start going, 'No you can't. You can't beat me, because I'll beat myself.'
Some of the most fun I've ever had has been filming 'Bert the Conqueror.' As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this humorous spin on travel, and I get the added bonus of using all these wild adventures in my act.
I was in an ESPN interview and was asked, 'Who would I most want to ride a roller coaster with?' and I said Warren Sapp because every time he giggles, you can hear there's a little girl inside of him. I called him a little girl, and he found me on Twitter and was like, 'Are you the Bert who called me a little girl?' I was like, 'Oh, great!'
I know the one thing that will reset my button is getting up and running a fast mile.
My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family. I don't regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home.
I'm a big believer in saying things out loud, I think he that helps you focus your goals.
I'd love to write a book called 'How to Raise a Virgin.' Seriously, I think a book about that would sell.
I'd love to be a movie star. That'd be great. But I lost the looks awhile ago. They slipped right through my hands like sand in an hourglass.
My whole life I've wanted to be famous.
I get this weird energy that starts in my feet and goes up and fills my head, and I just want to get everyone in the crowd to laugh.
I generate a lot of good vibrations, good energy.
I've always clowned around.
I like making people laugh.
I really respect those guys that get $250,000 for punching up scripts, because it's an art form.
When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was a point when I realized that they didn't care if I died. If I died, they'd say 'Of course it's a legal thing, but think of the numbers.'
No matter how successful I may get, I'll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing it was me on stage brooding soulfully to my fans. I had my shot once, but I let it slip through my fingers.
The first and last song I ever wrote was a ballad I was quite proud of, and one I would play for anyone, anywhere.
Here's the weird thing about me. I was never one to tell you stories about me. I was always the guy who others told stories about. I was like that up until I was 35 years old. And then I started telling stories about me onstage.
