I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
Adam Carolla
I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.
In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.
I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.
There are certain things women are better at than men.
I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.
I was a horrible student.
If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'
My first car was a motorcycle.
You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
I don't know anything about computers.
I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.
I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'
I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.
No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.
A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
I am not a good cue card reader.
I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.
If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.
